A Love Note in Thanks

We had only known each other for a couple a weeks, and weren't dating yet, the first time we visited your grandparents. I remember how nervous you were to ask me to come along, standing next to my car, speaking softly under the street light. I think that was the very first time you made my heart pause.

We sat around their kitchen table, just chatting and joking around with your grandpa while your grandma was rushing around (probably cooking something). They were so warm and welcoming, just like you; I got to see something so special; the environment that made you the wonderful person you are.

On the drive home, I felt so much closer to you than ever. If I had been brave I would have reached over and held your hand. Only two weeks later I wouldn't need to be brave, it would be a given. If you were there, my hand would be in yours. And five years later it still is.

I love that you know everything about me; that you know what I love and hate before I even do. I love that you tell me I love you and to be safe every time I see or talk to you. I love that you like snuggling. I love how after a hard day, just seeing you makes everything okay again.

You are every cliche love song to me, every love story I read reminds me of you. And everyday you are with me, I am reminded of how lucky I am you love me the same as I love you.

Exhilaration

I'm standing in line, waiting in the cold October air. The wind from the ride blows my hair from my neck and goosebumps travel down my arm. Is this really worth the time I'm spending just standing here? The boys behind me keep bumping into my ass; since when did nine year old boys get so bold? Finally it's our turn. I sit in the middle, put my head phones in and turn the volume all the way up. The ride's chest bands come down and we start to rise. The beat is in my head, drowning out screams, downing out thoughts. Nothing exists now except the music, the wind tearing at me, the heart wrenching drop and rise. It feels like sex between intimate friends. The comfort, the freedom, exhilaration. There is nothing, yet I feel it all, penetrating. My iPod slips from my hands and there is instant silence, poetry, as I watch it plummet. The gasps and yells around me slide right through. I laugh with abandon, I still feel the music's pull as the ride goes on and on. Is there nothing in my life that compares to this release? The wind dies down and I slowly come back to earth.

My feelings tonight

It doesn't matter what happens in life; there is only one truth. It gets more painful and we carry more baggage the older we get. Every passing year, every day, we add to it. I feel like I'm drowning and all my friends have let go of my arms, they've slipped through my fingers. I'm a ghost. How many people would notice if I suddenly wasn't here.

The only thing that terrifies me more than the blankness of death is to be a ghost in my own life. Maybe if I waved my hands in their faces they'll notice I'm still here. I'm here waiting for someone to finally chase me instead of me going around in circles, trying to please everyone.

I am exhausted. I've given up before, and when I do, I am suddenly the bad guy. The bad friend who is seen as someone who doesn't care. Don't they see that is how I see them everyday? I don't get in their face about it, I let it go, and let it go until my limit is reached and I can't let it go any longer.

But every time I come back with apologies for all, and it starts again. I come back because of that fear. When will someone finally accept and love me? When will I be able to rest?

Respect

You know what pisses me off? People who think they are so superior than everyone else. They know more than anyone, their opinions are always correct, anything they don't believe in is wrong. I get so tired of people looking down on what I like and what I do.

Just because others like to enjoy frivolity and don't always take themselves seriously doesn't mean they are inferior or less intelligent than them. Now, if I want to enjoy something that doesn't advance my intellect or makes me think deeply, then that is my choice and I don't need you looking down your nose at me or the things I enjoy.

This is not mean as an attack on anyone, this is just me asking you to respect me enough to respect my choices without any negativity in return.

Thank You.

Superiority Complex

Everyone has that one (or more) friend who seems to find the bad in everything. Nothing seems to be good enough for them.

I've always wondered what it was about them that made them that way. Was it how they were raised? Do they have some great disappointment in their lives that tarnishes everything good? Maybe it's even in their DNA. Whatever the cause, they always seem to want to push their bad attitudes on others, infecting us all with their ugly mindset.

They think they're so superior; that somehow their witty comments, which they feel the need to express, make them better than everyone. Honestly, I think it's actually the exact opposite.

The Eightfold Path of the Buddha says you must have right views, right intentions, selflessness and love, and to promote good and prevent evil, etc. I believe this is all I need to know; a mantra of sorts. That having a positive attitude will make me an enlightened person.

Ironic

In a world of e-mails, text messages, social web sites and blogs, what hope have we of maintaining physical contact with friends and relatives? When Christmas visits consist of Skyping and summer vacations are viewed via Facebook from friends, can we still speak and write without the use of lmao, brb, btw and lol? Not only are our words abbreviated, but our relationships are as well. The irony of writing this in a blog does not escape me, but I have held out for almost a decade. My time has now come to try to jump forward into the sea of technology and document my thoughts and feelings that are so important to me; although, to others, who have no interest and more opinions than I might find hard to tolerate, might be considered mundane or offensive. For better or worse though, this is me and this blog is my outlet. Take from it what you will.